NORTHSHORE CHURCH OF CHRIST

Many homes operate from a basis of fear and performance, focusing on right knowledge and right behavior. If that's all we want from our kids (right knowledge and right behavior), perhaps a fear-based or performance-based system is what the doctor ordered.

Often I have discovered the most important thing to me when my kids are with me in public is that they behave correctly—that's my bottom line—because if they don't they might display what a horrible job I'm doing as a parent. If no one acts up in a major way, I chalk it up to success.

But a child can easily perform the right way while his heart remains bound by darkness.

When we think about it, don't we really want kids who desire to obey, who love us, and who demonstrates an inner strength of character which will govern them even as they leave the constant influence of our home's rules? There's the rub, as Shakespeare might say.

How does God parent? How does God deal with us, His sons and daughters? Does He not lead us with copious amounts of grace?

John 1.14 says the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and His glory was "full of grace and truth." Three verses later John compared Moses with Jesus: "For the law was given through Moses, but grace and truth came through Jesus Christ." Jesus did not only embody truth but also grace. When we speak to one another, Paul instructs us to speak the truth in love (Eph. 4.14).

Does that sound like your home? Are you parenting from an attitude of grace and love? Introspectively, I look back and realize I often have not been. Many times I have spoken harshly with my children because they were not following my laws to the standard I'd like. The clothes they hang up in the closets are wonky. They don't fold my socks and...ahem...other things correctly before stuffing them in my drawer. They don't scrape the dishes well enough before putting them in the dishwasher, so we sometimes have to re-wash. They daydream when they're supposed to be doing their school work, and it takes SO MUCH LONGER than it should! They don't answer me back respectfully enough.

I'm not sure I speak the truth in love often enough. I'm not sure my speech is always "what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers" (Eph. 4.29).

As I think of my failings as a parent, I think about how God deals with me IN my failings. Does He speak harshly to me? Does He make my life miserable? Does He constantly remind me I'm a failure, or does He constantly encourage me to do better, assuring me that He still loves me, accepts me, and will not forsake me? The latter is the truth. If God deals with me with such grace, should I not then fill my own home with grace?

¹² Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, ¹³ bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. ¹⁴ And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. ¹⁵ And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. ¹⁶ Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. ¹⁷ And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

When your child complains about the food you just spent an hour fixing for him and you don’t blow a gasket…

When your friend calls you in the middle of a great movie, but you answer anyway because you know she is going through a tough time…

When your neighbor throws a party, ten cars are parked across from your driveway, you are late for an appointment, you can barely squeeze your car out, and you choose to not even curse your neighbor in your heart…

When your spouse is hot on your case because you obviously failed to do what you should have done, and you could bring up that time last week that would cancel it out, but you choose to say instead, “Yes, Dear, I’m sorry…”

When your sister talks at you in that tone for the thousandth time today, and you decide to overlook it again…

When you try to have a tough conversation, and it’s not received well, but you choose to keep praying for the other person…

When you give your body and your time to bringing children into the world, keep them alive, take them to school and sports and the doctor and church and their friends’ houses, teach them to dress themselves and brush their teeth and make a sandwich and navigate friendships and drive a car, and they don’t seem to appreciate you as much as they should, but you keep doing it wholeheartedly…

When you still have a year before you’ll have that credit card paid off, and your friend at church tells you he just retired and is looking forward to seeing the world and doing all the exciting things, and you smile and genuinely rejoice with him…

When you are having a bad day, and someone comes to you with her own bad news, and you put your arm around her and cry with her without even bringing up your own miseries…

When you stumble off the path and collapse, and God listens to your cries for help, helps you to your feet, and puts you back on the right way, even though you just did the same thing yesterday…

When His enemies spat on Him, mocked Him, drove a thorny crown into His skull, beat Him over the head, viciously scourged Him, and forced Him to carry His own cross, and Jesus never once complained…

When He hung on the cross, and nasty little men yelled at Him to come down if He was the Son of God, and He could have pulverized them with a thought or a simple word, but instead He said, “Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing…”

…that’s love.

1 Corinthians 13.4–8

Picture this: your spouse is not in the room. You're chatting with some friends, and suddenly the conversation turns to spouses. One lady says her husband never considers her feelings anymore—he just does whatever he wants. You commiserate because your husband has lately been getting on your nerves, and several recent episodes tumble from your mouth as you vent your frustration. There! It's been said. You feel better. You can go on with life.

Wrong!

You have just engaged in a bit of character assassination, and it was against the one person who should be closest and dearest to you!

God said in the Ten Commandments: you shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.

"But what I said wasn't false!" you protest.

Wasn't it, though? Think back on the words used. Did you huff resignedly, "That's just how he is!" Did you insist, "he never..." or "he always..."? Did you allow your frustration to color your language with hyperbole? Did you keep in mind the good he has done for you, or were you only thinking of the recent trouble?

When we use words like never and always, we lie, because it's almost never true! Test it out...

"He never considers my feelings first." That's an animal and not a man you've just described.

"He always throws his dirty socks on the floor." Has he never once hit the laundry basket even by mistake?

"She never wants to do what I want to do." Was that what attracted you to her in the first place?

"She always says just the thing to get on my nerves." And I'm sure you always respond with a gentle answer to turn away her wrath.

Husbands and wives, can we agree that we sometimes do bear false witness against our spouses? We need to quit. It's not healthy, it's lying, and it's sinful.

We ought to remember that our moods change. Murder is committed when people act in the throes of anger. Paul commanded,

"Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members of one another. Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil" (Ephesians 4.25-27)

All these commandments work together. Anger often prompts us to falsehood as we modify and reshape the truth to serve our own purposes. The best thing to do in our anger is usually BE STILL! Don't act! Wait. Take a breath and count to 10… or 100... or 1,000… whatever it takes to cool off. If we speak in anger and frustration, we are apt to sin.

Next time you feel frustrated with your spouse, try some of these options:

1. Pray about it. Laying the problem out to God often exposes our own faults in the matter. It helps to lay our problem at the feet of the one who loves us most.
2. Don't talk to your spouse immediately. Take some time before you address the problem.
3. Don't complain about your spouse to others.
4. Even while you are upset, do something nice for your spouse—just because.
5. Ask yourself why you feel so strongly about it. Was she intentionally trying to hurt you? Does he even know how what he did or said affects you? Be honest.
6. Pray about it again. Has God revealed anything to you?

I have found most issues tend to vanish given time and breathing room. I'd love to know how this technique works in your relationship.

Anger and lies give the devil a foothold in your life, so always speak the truth with your spouse!

Ephesians 4.29–32

²⁹ Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. ³⁰ And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. ³¹ Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. ³² Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Ephesians 5.3–4

³ But fornication and all uncleanness or covetousness, let it not even be named among you, as is fitting for saints; ⁴ neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks.

These two verses list many ways we can use our tongues to destroy rather than build, and in them Paul warns against corrupting talk, clamor, slander, filthy talk, foolish talk, and course jesting.

The first set of sins (Eph. 4.29–32) flow from bitter and angry hearts. Our actions follow our heart’s attitude. If we harbor bitterness towards someone, we likely will speak hateful words about them or to them at some point. Evil hearts overflow into evil works.

The second set of sins (Eph. 5.3–4) come from lustful and unclean hearts. Minds saturated in sewage will spew disgusting, disruptive, disturbing speech. Why is potty humor so popular? Why is our gaze so often directed downwards and not upwards? The marriage bed is to be held in honor, but many make it a joke, a punchline, speaking of sex in flippant and irreverent ways.

“To the pure, all things are pure, but to the defiled and unbelieving, nothing is pure; but both their minds and their consciences are defiled” (Titus 1.15).

How do we tackle a profane tongue? How do we raise our speech out of the gutter and onto the highway of holiness? We must direct our hearts to pure and holy things. Instead of angry talk, we should focus on kindness and forgive one another (Eph. 4.32). Instead of filthy talk, we should focus on giving thanks (Eph. 5.4). Imitate God’s character. What would Jesus think, do, and say?

Our speech will always be out of the overflow of our hearts, so we should be directing our hearts to that which is holy, pure, and honorable. May God help us tame our tongues!

Am I happy because of the security and wealth I have? Am I happy because of the things I do, the pleasures I enjoy, the food I eat, the clothing I wear, etc.? All these things can make me briefly happy, but pleasure is fleeting.

Your definition of success greatly affects your happiness and contentedness during your short stint on earth.

The "American dream" is about money and comfort. Is that success? Our Constitution guarantees us the right to pursue happiness, but it doesn't bother defining it. Most seem to think owning property produces happiness; therefore, to maximize happiness you should maximize the amount of stuff you own.

Not true!

Just look at how many winners of life's lottery still suffer severe depression, anger, hopelessness. Substance abuse remains rampant among the wealthy, just as it does among the poor. Being filthy rich doesn't protect marriages, as many of the world's rich and famous are famous for philandering, cheating, and divorcing.

Since money obviously does not guarantee happiness, we shouldn't define success by riches. I appreciate Dave Ramsey on many levels, but he often seems to equate "winning" with the amount of cash a person has. "Cash is king." He encourages making major sacrifices now to have millions later. He talks of years of rice and beans, beans and rice; live like no one else so that later you can live like no one else. Change the family tree.

For what purpose? Will those millions make me or my family happier down the road?

Why should I change my family tree in this way? Why should I leave millions to my children? Is this really the focus and goal God has for me and my family?

On the one hand,

A good man leaves an inheritance to his children's children,
But the wealth of the sinner is stored up for the righteous. (Prov. 13.22)

He who tills his land will have plenty of bread,
But he who follows frivolity will have poverty enough! (Prov. 28.19)

On the other hand,

There is one who makes himself rich, yet has nothing;
And one who makes himself poor, yet has great riches. (Prov. 13.7)

Better is a little with righteousness,
Than vast revenues without justice. (Prov. 16.8)

Better is a dry morsel with quietness,
Than a house full of feasting with strife. (Prov. 17.1)

He who trusts in his riches will fall,
But the righteous will flourish like foliage. (Prov. 11.28)

What if, instead of earthly riches, I give my family a strong work ethic? What if I teach them to love their neighbor as themselves? What if I teach them to take care of widows and orphans in their distress? What if I leave a legacy of peace and fellowship?

What if my family lives within their means but never becomes rich or powerful? Can they still find happiness?

What if I teach them to give away their money and trust God to take care of them and continue to fill their needs?

Jesus says:

"Do not fear, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom. Sell what you have and give alms; provide yourselves money bags which do not grow old, a treasure in the heavens that does not fill, where no thief approaches nor moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." (Luke 12.32-34)

Success, for the child of God, is a life filled with hope, love, faithfulness, and quietness. A contented man is successful.

As a wise man once prayed:

Give me neither poverty nor riches--
Feed me with the food allotted to me;
Lest I be full and deny You,
And say, "Who is the LORD?"
Or lest I be poor and steal,
And profane the name of my God. (Prov. 30.8-9)