NORTHSHORE CHURCH OF CHRIST

Picture this: your spouse is not in the room. You're chatting with some friends, and suddenly the conversation turns to spouses. One lady says her husband never considers her feelings anymore—he just does whatever he wants. You commiserate because your husband has lately been getting on your nerves, and several recent episodes tumble from your mouth as you vent your frustration. There! It's been said. You feel better. You can go on with life.

Wrong!

You have just engaged in a bit of character assassination, and it was against the one person who should be closest and dearest to you!

God said in the Ten Commandments: you shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.

"But what I said wasn't false!" you protest.

Wasn't it, though? Think back on the words used. Did you huff resignedly, "That's just how he is!" Did you insist, "he never..." or "he always..."? Did you allow your frustration to color your language with hyperbole? Did you keep in mind the good he has done for you, or were you only thinking of the recent trouble?

When we use words like never and always, we lie, because it's almost never true! Test it out...

"He never considers my feelings first." That's an animal and not a man you've just described.

"He always throws his dirty socks on the floor." Has he never once hit the laundry basket even by mistake?

"She never wants to do what I want to do." Was that what attracted you to her in the first place?

"She always says just the thing to get on my nerves." And I'm sure you always respond with a gentle answer to turn away her wrath.

Husbands and wives, can we agree that we sometimes do bear false witness against our spouses? We need to quit. It's not healthy, it's lying, and it's sinful.

We ought to remember that our moods change. Murder is committed when people act in the throes of anger. Paul commanded,

"Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members of one another. Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil" (Ephesians 4.25-27)

All these commandments work together. Anger often prompts us to falsehood as we modify and reshape the truth to serve our own purposes. The best thing to do in our anger is usually BE STILL! Don't act! Wait. Take a breath and count to 10… or 100... or 1,000… whatever it takes to cool off. If we speak in anger and frustration, we are apt to sin.

Next time you feel frustrated with your spouse, try some of these options:

1. Pray about it. Laying the problem out to God often exposes our own faults in the matter. It helps to lay our problem at the feet of the one who loves us most.
2. Don't talk to your spouse immediately. Take some time before you address the problem.
3. Don't complain about your spouse to others.
4. Even while you are upset, do something nice for your spouse—just because.
5. Ask yourself why you feel so strongly about it. Was she intentionally trying to hurt you? Does he even know how what he did or said affects you? Be honest.
6. Pray about it again. Has God revealed anything to you?

I have found most issues tend to vanish given time and breathing room. I'd love to know how this technique works in your relationship.

Anger and lies give the devil a foothold in your life, so always speak the truth with your spouse!

Ephesians 4.29–32

²⁹ Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. ³⁰ And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. ³¹ Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. ³² Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Ephesians 5.3–4

³ But fornication and all uncleanness or covetousness, let it not even be named among you, as is fitting for saints; ⁴ neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks.

These two verses list many ways we can use our tongues to destroy rather than build, and in them Paul warns against corrupting talk, clamor, slander, filthy talk, foolish talk, and course jesting.

The first set of sins (Eph. 4.29–32) flow from bitter and angry hearts. Our actions follow our heart’s attitude. If we harbor bitterness towards someone, we likely will speak hateful words about them or to them at some point. Evil hearts overflow into evil works.

The second set of sins (Eph. 5.3–4) come from lustful and unclean hearts. Minds saturated in sewage will spew disgusting, disruptive, disturbing speech. Why is potty humor so popular? Why is our gaze so often directed downwards and not upwards? The marriage bed is to be held in honor, but many make it a joke, a punchline, speaking of sex in flippant and irreverent ways.

“To the pure, all things are pure, but to the defiled and unbelieving, nothing is pure; but both their minds and their consciences are defiled” (Titus 1.15).

How do we tackle a profane tongue? How do we raise our speech out of the gutter and onto the highway of holiness? We must direct our hearts to pure and holy things. Instead of angry talk, we should focus on kindness and forgive one another (Eph. 4.32). Instead of filthy talk, we should focus on giving thanks (Eph. 5.4). Imitate God’s character. What would Jesus think, do, and say?

Our speech will always be out of the overflow of our hearts, so we should be directing our hearts to that which is holy, pure, and honorable. May God help us tame our tongues!

Am I happy because of the security and wealth I have? Am I happy because of the things I do, the pleasures I enjoy, the food I eat, the clothing I wear, etc.? All these things can make me briefly happy, but pleasure is fleeting.

Your definition of success greatly affects your happiness and contentedness during your short stint on earth.

The "American dream" is about money and comfort. Is that success? Our Constitution guarantees us the right to pursue happiness, but it doesn't bother defining it. Most seem to think owning property produces happiness; therefore, to maximize happiness you should maximize the amount of stuff you own.

Not true!

Just look at how many winners of life's lottery still suffer severe depression, anger, hopelessness. Substance abuse remains rampant among the wealthy, just as it does among the poor. Being filthy rich doesn't protect marriages, as many of the world's rich and famous are famous for philandering, cheating, and divorcing.

Since money obviously does not guarantee happiness, we shouldn't define success by riches. I appreciate Dave Ramsey on many levels, but he often seems to equate "winning" with the amount of cash a person has. "Cash is king." He encourages making major sacrifices now to have millions later. He talks of years of rice and beans, beans and rice; live like no one else so that later you can live like no one else. Change the family tree.

For what purpose? Will those millions make me or my family happier down the road?

Why should I change my family tree in this way? Why should I leave millions to my children? Is this really the focus and goal God has for me and my family?

On the one hand,

A good man leaves an inheritance to his children's children,
But the wealth of the sinner is stored up for the righteous. (Prov. 13.22)

He who tills his land will have plenty of bread,
But he who follows frivolity will have poverty enough! (Prov. 28.19)

On the other hand,

There is one who makes himself rich, yet has nothing;
And one who makes himself poor, yet has great riches. (Prov. 13.7)

Better is a little with righteousness,
Than vast revenues without justice. (Prov. 16.8)

Better is a dry morsel with quietness,
Than a house full of feasting with strife. (Prov. 17.1)

He who trusts in his riches will fall,
But the righteous will flourish like foliage. (Prov. 11.28)

What if, instead of earthly riches, I give my family a strong work ethic? What if I teach them to love their neighbor as themselves? What if I teach them to take care of widows and orphans in their distress? What if I leave a legacy of peace and fellowship?

What if my family lives within their means but never becomes rich or powerful? Can they still find happiness?

What if I teach them to give away their money and trust God to take care of them and continue to fill their needs?

Jesus says:

"Do not fear, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom. Sell what you have and give alms; provide yourselves money bags which do not grow old, a treasure in the heavens that does not fill, where no thief approaches nor moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." (Luke 12.32-34)

Success, for the child of God, is a life filled with hope, love, faithfulness, and quietness. A contented man is successful.

As a wise man once prayed:

Give me neither poverty nor riches--
Feed me with the food allotted to me;
Lest I be full and deny You,
And say, "Who is the LORD?"
Or lest I be poor and steal,
And profane the name of my God. (Prov. 30.8-9)

The first four of the Decalogue (“ten words”) have to do with man’s relationship with God:

1. Thou shalt have no other gods before Me.
2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image.
3. Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain.
4. Remember the Sabbath Day to keep it holy.

The last five concern man’s relationship with his fellow man:

5. Honor thy father and thy mother.
6. Thou shalt not kill.
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery.
8. Thou shalt not steal.
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house or thy neighbor’s wife...or anything that is thy neighbor’s.

Many call these the “two tables of the Law.” The first table falls under the greatest commandment: “Thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might” (Deuteronomy 6.5). The second table falls under the second greatest commandment: “Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself” (Leviticus 19.18).

Interestingly, the Fifth Commandment is stated positively, while the rest that follow are negative. Paul also points out it is the first commandment with a promise attached: “That it may be will with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth” (Ephesians 6.2–3).

The first table of the Law begins with God’s authority. The second table begins with authority in family structures. If authority is not recognized and respected, families disintegrate, and if families fall apart so does society. If children do not first learn to obey their parents in their parents’ house, they most likely will not honor their parents after they leave home. If they don’t honor their parents, they will likely not honor the aged. They will tend to exhibit what C. S. Lewis called “generational snobbery,” in which the children think they know more and have more wisdom than their parents and grandparents. They will have a misguided notion that their generation is the wisest of all generations. In truth, they may be the dumbest and most foolish of all.

Worst of all, they will not honor God. Those who put no other gods before Yahweh God also honor their parents, and those who honor their parents also honor Yahweh God.

After honoring God, honoring our parents is critically important. That does not necessarily mean fawning over them and adoring them in overly-emotional ways. It does not mean you necessarily have to like your parents all the time, because sometimes parents are not gracious, kind, or loving towards their children. But you must still honor your father and your mother because they came before you and God saw fit to bring you into existence through them.

Praise God for godly-minded parents who work hard to train their kids and grandkids, who show grace, and who cherish their children.

But whether your parents fit that mold or not, you are called to honor them. Honor them by providing for them in their old age and taking care of their physical needs. Do not speak evil to them or about them. Pray for them. Share the gospel with them in a respectful way.

The Fifth Commandment is a primary foundation for a stable family, church, and society. No wonder God ended His words to Israel in the Old Covenant with this promise:

“Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet before the great and awesome day of the LORD comes. And he will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children and the hearts of the children to their fathers, lest I come and strike the land with a decree of utter destruction.” (Malachi 4.5–6)

Our families need healing! The gospel includes family structures working the way God created them to function. Healthy families is not just a beautiful side consequence of turning back to the Lord—it’s a main mission of families who turn to the Lord.

Do your kids honor you? If not, next ask yourself if you honor your parents. Have you shown your kids what it looks like to honor your parents, or do they hear you griping, mocking, and voicing your displeasure about them?

Do I honor my parents? God promises me that if I honor my parents, I will live long upon the land He gives me!