NORTHSHORE CHURCH OF CHRIST

My children hold my heart in many ways. I feel their failures and successes as my own. I want them to thrive and grow and progress in this life well beyond my own wisdom and stature. I want them to hold firm their faith stronger than I have. I’m sure that is the desire of every Christian parent.

John wrote, “I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth” (3 John 4). Amen.

A man named Jonah had two sons who decided to follow a new Jewish Rabbi all over Galilee and Judea. I wonder what Jonah thought about that. As a good Jewish father (I’m assuming, since his sons seem spiritually-minded and kingdom-seeking), I imagine he had misgivings. Who is this teacher? He makes bold claims and performs great signs, they say. He continually challenges the Jewish religious leaders. Could such a man really be from God? Are my boys safe in His care and under his direction?

After three years of following Jesus, what did Jonah think when Jesus was crucified? His boys’ hopes and dreams were dashed. They had been fools to trust in the promises this man continually made them. He had heard there was to be a kingdom, and not just any kingdom but the one the prophets of old had foretold. He had heard his boys were in line to be major leaders in that kingdom. Jesus had said something about them sitting on thrones and judging the people! Why had he dared to hope in those promises, which all were snuffed out in a single day.

But THEN! What did Jonah think when his boys came home and told him, “Jesus is not dead, but risen!” Did he believe? Did he come to faith in Jesus Christ? Did hope spark new in his breast?

I wonder if he ever got to read the words Matthew wrote?

He said to them, “But who do you say that I am?” Simon Peter replied, “You are the Christ, the Son of the living God.” And Jesus answered him, “Blessed are you, Simon Bar-Jonah! For flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but my Father who is in heaven. And I tell you, you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it. I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven, and whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.” (Matthew 16.15–19)

What a blessing to have your son praised in such a way. Of course, if he read that, he would also have read of Peter’s several foibles, too, and possibly cringed and cried as he saw how Peter had denied Jesus in a moment of weakness. But knowing how the story unfolded, he could breathe easy and rejoice in the new kingdom and the precious gospel which Peter and Andrew continued to preach until the end of their lives.

I hope nothing more for my children than they continue in their faith in Jesus Christ and have Him present them with a crown of victory! Like Peter, they will have moments of weakness and fail and fall at times, but I hope Jesus prays for them as He prayed for Peter, that their faith may not fail. That is my prayer. I hope that is your prayer for your own children.

Let our sons and daughters be like Jonah’s sons.

It seems like life is getting more and more hectic. This world is rushing madly about, busy with things and stuff. 

On the one hand, it's good to be busy. The devil plays around with our leisure time. But on the other hand, the devil also enjoys watching us waste our time and distracting us from things that matter the most.

Praise the super-successful business mogul. Clap for the sports hero. Sigh for the girl singing on the X-Factor.

Shuttle the kids off to school to learn how to write, read, build, and discover. Rush them to band practice, football practice, their first job in the hamburger joint. It's not enough that they get by in life; we want them to thrive, excel, become truly great, leave their mark. So we push.

Why do we push them? Why do we push ourselves? Why do we rush about attempting to achieve great things?

Solomon did exactly this. He holds the world record in the "super-successful" category because he had virtually unlimited resources and a drive to discover, build, and thrive. Solomon diligently searched for thrills, meaning, and happiness—but when he paused to reflect, he realized he had just been grasping at the wind. Frantically, he tried everything he could think of, but nothing truly satisfied. "Vanity," he penned in his journal. "Emptiness. Striving after the wind." 

I have seen all the works that are done under the sun; and indeed, all is vanity and grasping for the wind. (Ecclesiastes 1.14)

And I set my heart to know wisdom and to know madness and folly. I perceived that this also is grasping for the wind. (1.17)

I said in my heart, “Come now, I will test you with mirth; therefore enjoy pleasure”; but surely, this also was vanity. I said of laughter—“Madness!”; and of mirth, “What does it accomplish?” (2.1-2)

Then I looked on all the works that my hands had done
And on the labor in which I had toiled;
And indeed all was vanity and grasping for the wind.
There was no profit under the sun. (2.11)

Therefore I hated life because the work that was done under the sun was distressing to me, for all is vanity and grasping for the wind. (2.17)

Sad man! Because he was wise, he reflected and meditated on his life journey. Many of us don't pause in the hustle and bustle of our days and weeks—we just spin our wheels and never look back. But Solomon looked back, searching for the reason why he had spent his energies and time the way he had. When all was said and done, after he had philosophized for twelve tough chapters, Solomon found his conclusion. Perhaps some would have committed suicide by the time they had meditated on the realities of life the way Solomon did—but Solomon found an anchor, a reason for living:

Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter:
Fear God and keep His commandments,
For this is man’s all.
For God will bring every work into judgment,
Including every secret thing,
Whether good or evil. (12.13-14)

The answer to life is not in discovering your unique passion, becoming top dog in your company, or hoarding boatloads of cash. No, the secret to life's meaning lies in something quite outside this world! Man's duty is to fear God and keep His commandments. If this is our aim, everything we do in life suddenly becomes pregnant with meaning, from the words we use with our families to the business decisions we make at the office. Suddenly every word, thought, and action holds eternal significance because we realize a judgment day is coming in which God will reveal every secret thing! We ought to live in light of eternity, in light of judgment, in light of God. Since He exists and He watches and He commands, we should listen and obey and conform to His way. Imagine that—the creature obeying his Creator. What a concept.

Why rush about? Why achieve things? Why push ourselves? If it's not for God, there is no good reason to do any of it. It is vanity, a grasping after the wind, and it will all disappear in the twinkling of an eye. All this earth stuff will grow old, rust, rot, and perish. So will our bodies. But WITH God there is no such thing as vanity or emptiness! All has meaning. Praise Him!

Many homes operate from a basis of fear and performance, focusing on right knowledge and right behavior. If that's all we want from our kids (right knowledge and right behavior), perhaps a fear-based or performance-based system is what the doctor ordered.

Often I have discovered the most important thing to me when my kids are with me in public is that they behave correctly—that's my bottom line—because if they don't they might display what a horrible job I'm doing as a parent. If no one acts up in a major way, I chalk it up to success.

But a child can easily perform the right way while his heart remains bound by darkness.

When we think about it, don't we really want kids who desire to obey, who love us, and who demonstrates an inner strength of character which will govern them even as they leave the constant influence of our home's rules? There's the rub, as Shakespeare might say.

How does God parent? How does God deal with us, His sons and daughters? Does He not lead us with copious amounts of grace?

John 1.14 says the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and His glory was "full of grace and truth." Three verses later John compared Moses with Jesus: "For the law was given through Moses, but grace and truth came through Jesus Christ." Jesus did not only embody truth but also grace. When we speak to one another, Paul instructs us to speak the truth in love (Eph. 4.14).

Does that sound like your home? Are you parenting from an attitude of grace and love? Introspectively, I look back and realize I often have not been. Many times I have spoken harshly with my children because they were not following my laws to the standard I'd like. The clothes they hang up in the closets are wonky. They don't fold my socks and...ahem...other things correctly before stuffing them in my drawer. They don't scrape the dishes well enough before putting them in the dishwasher, so we sometimes have to re-wash. They daydream when they're supposed to be doing their school work, and it takes SO MUCH LONGER than it should! They don't answer me back respectfully enough.

I'm not sure I speak the truth in love often enough. I'm not sure my speech is always "what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers" (Eph. 4.29).

As I think of my failings as a parent, I think about how God deals with me IN my failings. Does He speak harshly to me? Does He make my life miserable? Does He constantly remind me I'm a failure, or does He constantly encourage me to do better, assuring me that He still loves me, accepts me, and will not forsake me? The latter is the truth. If God deals with me with such grace, should I not then fill my own home with grace?

¹² Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, ¹³ bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. ¹⁴ And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. ¹⁵ And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. ¹⁶ Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. ¹⁷ And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

The first four of the Decalogue (“ten words”) have to do with man’s relationship with God:

1. Thou shalt have no other gods before Me.
2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image.
3. Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain.
4. Remember the Sabbath Day to keep it holy.

The last five concern man’s relationship with his fellow man:

5. Honor thy father and thy mother.
6. Thou shalt not kill.
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery.
8. Thou shalt not steal.
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house or thy neighbor’s wife...or anything that is thy neighbor’s.

Many call these the “two tables of the Law.” The first table falls under the greatest commandment: “Thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might” (Deuteronomy 6.5). The second table falls under the second greatest commandment: “Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself” (Leviticus 19.18).

Interestingly, the Fifth Commandment is stated positively, while the rest that follow are negative. Paul also points out it is the first commandment with a promise attached: “That it may be will with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth” (Ephesians 6.2–3).

The first table of the Law begins with God’s authority. The second table begins with authority in family structures. If authority is not recognized and respected, families disintegrate, and if families fall apart so does society. If children do not first learn to obey their parents in their parents’ house, they most likely will not honor their parents after they leave home. If they don’t honor their parents, they will likely not honor the aged. They will tend to exhibit what C. S. Lewis called “generational snobbery,” in which the children think they know more and have more wisdom than their parents and grandparents. They will have a misguided notion that their generation is the wisest of all generations. In truth, they may be the dumbest and most foolish of all.

Worst of all, they will not honor God. Those who put no other gods before Yahweh God also honor their parents, and those who honor their parents also honor Yahweh God.

After honoring God, honoring our parents is critically important. That does not necessarily mean fawning over them and adoring them in overly-emotional ways. It does not mean you necessarily have to like your parents all the time, because sometimes parents are not gracious, kind, or loving towards their children. But you must still honor your father and your mother because they came before you and God saw fit to bring you into existence through them.

Praise God for godly-minded parents who work hard to train their kids and grandkids, who show grace, and who cherish their children.

But whether your parents fit that mold or not, you are called to honor them. Honor them by providing for them in their old age and taking care of their physical needs. Do not speak evil to them or about them. Pray for them. Share the gospel with them in a respectful way.

The Fifth Commandment is a primary foundation for a stable family, church, and society. No wonder God ended His words to Israel in the Old Covenant with this promise:

“Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet before the great and awesome day of the LORD comes. And he will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children and the hearts of the children to their fathers, lest I come and strike the land with a decree of utter destruction.” (Malachi 4.5–6)

Our families need healing! The gospel includes family structures working the way God created them to function. Healthy families is not just a beautiful side consequence of turning back to the Lord—it’s a main mission of families who turn to the Lord.

Do your kids honor you? If not, next ask yourself if you honor your parents. Have you shown your kids what it looks like to honor your parents, or do they hear you griping, mocking, and voicing your displeasure about them?

Do I honor my parents? God promises me that if I honor my parents, I will live long upon the land He gives me!

Since an elder’s job is to care for the household of God, it is important he first show himself to be a good manager in his home, which means he must have a home to manage. An elder should not be a single man who has had no children. He should have a wife (he must be a one-woman-man) and should have demonstrated an ability to keep his children in submission and manage them well.

Paul wrote to Timothy: “He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive, for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God’s church?” (1 Tim 3.4–5 ESV).

The phrase “with all dignity” gives us an interesting picture, doesn’t it? The sweet lady who runs our homeschool group recently said she always takes prospective families to the park to interview them before she decides if she will accept them onto her campus. At the park, she watches how the kids interact with their parents and with each other, and she reasons that if they are wild and disobedient at the park, they will probably be that way on campus, too. Likewise, if they are sweet and obedient, she can probably expect that behavior. If we were to visit a man’s home and find his children do not respect him and are rowdy and rambunctious, it reveals how he has managed his home.

Paul told Titus an elder should have “faithful children not accused of dissipation or insubordination” (Tit. 1.6 NKJV). The word for “faithful” here is the Greek term pista, which is an adjective translated several ways in the New Testament. It is most often translated “faithful” or “trustworthy,” though it does, at times, refer to someone who is faithful in the sense of being a believer in Christ. For several reasons, I believe the proper understanding here is that the children are “faithful” in the sense of being “trustworthy,” and Paul further defined what he meant: a faithful child is one who is “not accused of dissipation or insubordination.”

Paul goes on, in his next sentence, to say, “For a bishop must be blameless, as a steward of God…” If a man has children who party, drink, carouse, act out sexually, etc., they blemish their father’s name. You can think of some of our public servants in offices all the way up the President whose children mar the family name. If a man’s children are causing problems in the community, it’s harder to consider the man blameless—not that he has necessarily committed any sin, but it seems evident that he has left some things undone in his family.

Our society is different than Paul’s. Our children often not only leave home but also the area. As an example, my dad lives and worships with a church in north Alabama. His three sons have never lived in that area since we left home. If one of his adult sons causes trouble in a different city and a different state, it may or may not reflect on him. That would be something the church would need to consider if they were deciding whether to appoint him an elder. If the adult son were in the same town and the community knew him and his father, his immorality and the trouble he caused would probably reflect on the father.

If a man still has children in his home, it is easier to determine how he manages his home, the relationship he has with his children, how he guides and interacts with them. But if all the children have left home, many in the church may not even know who his children are. How should we examine this man? God expects us to use good judgment, so we might ask some questions. Has he raised kids? How does he think he did? What does his wife think? Do his kids love him or hate him now; what kind of relationship does he maintain with his adult children? Would any of his kids cause their father’s name (and thus the name of Christ) to be blemished in this church and community? Would anyone have just cause to say he cannot be considered blameless in this matter?

Having faithful children is an important qualification for a man who would be an elder in God’s church. However, it is but one qualification among many. We should look at the overall character of the man and use wisdom and sound judgment with the full direction of God’s word. And pray for wisdom! May God be glorified.